Flashback: 7 Weeks, 5 Days

So, some of these posts get to be a bit of a downer, just a warning. I'm not even going to attempt to find a photo for this one. Probably boring for most, but I'm guessing other mamas or pregnant ladies will be able to relate somewhat :)

Oh yeah, I got another question, from lisa: OMG! i found out i was pregnant on father's day as well and this is my very first. i have been following your blog for awhile and enjoying it. are you going to choose breastfeeding or formula?

I have to chuckle a BIT at this one, because you must be a relatively new reader, at least in the past 5 or so months! I breastfed Annie for a little over a year, and I feel so privileged to have had that opportunity. I strongly believe in the benefits of breastfeeding and breastmilk, and I definitely plan on nursing again, hopefully for at least a year. While I didn't LOVE it at first, after about 5 or so months, it was an amazing bonding experience between Annie and I. I strongly suggest reading more about it while pregnant, at least giving it a try if you are on the fence!

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As the days tick sloooooooowly by toward our ultrasound, I'm feeling kind of blah. Nervous, definitely, but really just want to get it over with and move on. More than anything else, beyond being sad even, I'll be really f-ing annoyed and mad at the world if this pregnancy isn't "real" - annoyed at the wasted time, at the few weeks of feeling crappy for nothing, just annoyed. I know I shouldn't even think that way at all, but it's hard not to when so many people I know have lived that reality and it seems like why would I get so lucky to have 2 normal healthy pregnancies so close together anyway? Although I of course know that happens more frequently than it doesn't.

I'm trying to be zen about it - what's done is done, nothing I could do or have done will change the outcome. Positive thinking will only help me and my little fetus at this point. I know I will be a nervous mess at the ultrasound, but I hope to not be AS nervous as I was the first time. I hope I do feel some sense of relief after this, but also knowing people who miscarried after a normal 8 week ultrasound makes that even hard to do. I do know that bad things can happen at any point of a pregnancy, or after birth, or any point during LIFE, so what is the point of being this anxious about it? All the logical thoughts that really mean nothing to a woman in the first trimester of pregnancy.

I am glad I finally told a few people about this pregnancy now - I can't believe how dumb I was to think I could wait until 12 WEEKS to tell ANYONE. Who am I kidding? For some reason it is REALLY easy for me to not tell my family this time - because I SO want to share in the news in a fun way this time and I refuse to do that before we know if this is a viable pregnancy or not. Friends, especially those who are also pregnant, it's harder to hide from now that I'm feeling crappy all the time. At first I loved not having to obsess about pregnancy, but now I want to talk about it more and more and it's nice to have a few outlets to choose from so I don't have to overwhelm one single person. I don't even want to talk about the reality of having a child yet, I more just want to at least be able to say I feel crappy without someone suspecting someone, or that I went to bed at 8:30 and loved it.

Sometimes I do think about the reality of it all and get really freaked out. I'm so happy I got pregnant, obviously, we were trying and it happened right away which is amazing. But wow, it happened right away. Like, our kids will be 25 months apart. So then I think, um am I supposed to have Annie in a big girl bed and potty trained by the time this kid is born? Where will this kid sleep? How will we fit everyone in our house? Will we ever get to travel again before we're 50? How will we manage getting 2 kids ready for daycare and ourselves ready for work, and then making dinner and feeding them and nursing again and just how will it all work? I comfort myself by the knowledge that people do this and WAY more literally every day and obviously we'll manage. But really. If Ben isn't working from home anymore (he isn't. BIG SAD FACE to that, although he LOVES his new job, so I guess I'm happy for him :) at some point... and I pick 2 kids up from daycare and one needs to nurse right away and the other one needs to eat right away and I want to still do family meals and um really. Crockpot meals every night I guess! So yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed you could say. Thankfully I have 7 more LONGGGGGGGGGGG months to get used to this idea and get my head on straight.