Weaning

Well, we did it. Annie and I just shared our last nursing session together. It was short and sweet with no messing around on her part. I feel a strange mix of emotions - I'm so proud of us for making it this far, I'm sad to be done, but I'm happy for the freedom and for my body to be my own again, at long last. I'm bracing myself for what is sure to be a very very painful next few weeks for me - I'm going to try every trick in the book (cabbage, decongestants, altoids) to try to get through the engorgement period that for some reason barely anyone else seems to experience when they wean this slowly, lucky me :) I've been very discouraged with the lack of information on weaning, so I will be sure to share what works for me so hopefully I can help someone else! The mood swings have already been epic. The other night, I was so sad about weaning that I went into Annie's room while she was sleeping, picked her up and rocked with her while crying until the top of her head was wet. I probably will be doing more of that this week, I'm guessing!

Last Monday, I dropped our morning session without too much incident to Annie - she seemed a bit confused Tuesday morning and was kind of grabbing at my shirt, but that was it. We'll see how bedtime goes without it tomorrow. We aren't going to replace it with anything - I guess we'll offer a sippy cup of milk but there's pretty much no way she'll drink more than a few sips.

Inspired by Julia's post that serendipitously appeared in my Google Reader this morning, I wanted to reminisce a bit about my own breastfeeding journey with Annie. This will probably be very long and disjointed, but I just want to get it out.

I always planned to give breastfeeding a shot - my reasons were mostly that it seemed logical - why not use the milk my body makes for free? I really didn't have any emotional ties to breastfeeding, although I would have been upset if it didn't work out I'm sure. It wasn't something I was particularly excited about, but I was interested from an almost sociological perspective about the experience. I read a book, went to a class, and just planned on breastfeeding from the start, I honestly didn't even think about what I'd do if it didn't work out.

If you've been reading here since Annie was born, you know that we've had a very good and easy experience breastfeeding. Right after she was born, in the haze that followed being awake for over 24 hours and pushing a sunny side up baby out for nearly 3 hours, I held her in the cradle position and she latched right on and sucked away like she was born to do it. I know not all mothers are so lucky. In that moment, I honestly didn't feel much, just relief that she was doing what she was supposed to. I was so tired and still completely out of it, shaking, cold and sore that there weren't too many logical thoughts in my brain at that point. In the hospital, Annie continued to breastfeed like a champ. She occasionally would need her latch slightly corrected, just by pulling her chin down a bit. Nothing major at all. My milk came in with full force while I was still in the hospital, and by the time we left, Annie was above her birth weight by 1 ounce.

During those first few hazy weeks at home, I remember nursing pretty much every time Annie cried and made the crazy rooting face. Those are not pleasant memories for me. I especially remember the first few nights of her cluster feeding in the nighttime, and feeling the sense of dread when I'd hear Ben coming up our stairs maybe 20 minutes after I'd be laying in bed trying to finally get some sleep. At that point, Annie was wiggling all over the place, and sometimes it took both Ben and I to get her successfully latched on without her sticking her hands in her mouth. We learned early to keep her in the swaddle at night when nursing because her hands were just ALL OVER the place! I had some pain, but no bleeding or cracks or anything horrible. I remember usually using the boppy as well as another pillow underneath it to hold Annie in place, and ONLY nursing in the cradle position.

My pump frightened me a lot those first few weeks. I don't even think I opened it until my sister-in-law Becca came over and made me just sit down and read the directions to me. Turns out it really wasn't that difficult once you just follow instructions! I started pumping after the first or second feeding of the day when Annie was 2 weeks old, and pumped nearly every day (except weekends after I went back to work) until I pumped my last time on December 31st. I never minded the pump too much - my biggest victory was the day I finally bought a hands free pumping bra. Really not sure why I didn't do that immediately - seriously the best $30 I ever spent, and would have been way better to pump every single stupid day of my maternity leave with that instead of holding the bottles there! I built up quite the impressive freezer stash with those morning pumpings, and always made sure to pump every time Ben gave Annie a bottle. That freezer stash was actually just passed off to Becca to feed her pair, since Annie was just wasting it now. I'm so glad that it will be used by 2 little babies that I know and love! I was nothing if not diligent about following the rules for maintaining my supply! The one thing I never did was pump when Annie started sleeping longer. The first few times she slept way longer than she had, I did need to pump a bit to ease my own discomfort, but I never woke up to pump when she was sleeping other than that.

As my maternity leave wore on, breastfeeding just kept getting better. Annie and I settled into a nice routine where she'd eat first thing after she woke up. I remember hearing her stirring, and getting my "nursing station" ready - boppy, burp cloth, water, iPhone, maybe a DVD cued up on the TV. I watched a lot of CW shows during my maternity leave, usually one episode was just about the length of Annie's nursing sessions. I obsessively recorded how many minutes she nursed on each side on my iPhone. I was also obsessed about making sure she emptied one boob before moving on to the next, which resulted in some frustration on both of our parts. Annie usually nursed very well, except in the evenings when she'd just scream and fuss and be angry. After going through that for a few weeks, I wasn't a huge fan of breastfeeding but I forged ahead because most of the time it was going fine. I spent a lot of time in the chair in our bedroom reading blogs on my iPhone while Annie nursed - I'd save all my favorites for night time so I could stay awake. Annie liked to try to fall asleep while nursing, but after learning the hard way with her eating, falling asleep and then waking up an hour later to eat more, I learned to change her diaper between sides to wake her up and help her get a full meal before returning to sleep. By the time Annie was 2 months old, she was only waking up to eat 1x at night and I did start to enjoy that feeding for the quiet time it gave me with her. After she moved to her own room, I'd just sit in there with her in the dark and she'd just eat and go right back to sleep. We also got great at nursing out and about - it was part of our recipe for a successful outing even - get somewhere right before she needed to eat, nurse for 30 minutes, she's happy for 30 minutes after that and we're good! I nursed in many restaurants and coffee shops and most of the time no one probably even knew. We pretty much stopped nursing in public around 4 months just simply because we didn't need to, so those first few months of being willing to eat covered up were nice :)

Returning to work began my journey as a pumping working mama, and began my wonderful relationship with the Wellness Room at work :) I'm very lucky to basically make my own schedule, so I just put appointments on my calendar for 9:30, 12 and 3 every day and trudged to the room with my pump at those times, thanking heavens for my hands free bra and iPhone. Sometimes I'd bring work in with me, but never did tell any students that their resumes were reviewed while pumping :) As I'm sure most pumping mamas will tell you, sometimes it seemed like my pump was talking to me - mine was a little mean, and said "F you, F you" over and over again :) The wellness room was great, other than the times when someone would be in there talking on the phone, not seeming to understand the actual purpose for the room. I never held back about just knocking and letting people know that I had the room reserved. There were some repeat offenders that were certainly annoying! I never had an issue with pumping at work - it felt like a nice break, but I was very glad when I finally went down to pumping 2 times, and then down to 1 in December. I was really paranoid about my supply taking a hit if I didn't pump as many times as Annie was getting a bottle, but obviously that didn't end up being a problem at all!

When Annie was around 4 months, I do remember nursing being pretty frustrating - around then, I had to make sure to nurse in a place with very few distractions because she would pop off and want to look at ANYTHING that made a noise, including Ben walking through a room. This was the main reason for not nursing in public anymore - nursing just wouldn't have happened! This prompted me to try out exclusively pumping - I only lasted a day at that because I missed nursing so much. Prior to this, I wouldn't have said I liked nursing, it was just something I did because it was convenient and free. This was definitely a turning point in my breastfeeding journey - while nursing still had it's frustrations, around 4 months was when I actually started to enjoy that time with Annie. This also coincided with her becoming much more alert, aware, and not as fussy so it's no surprise that I was enjoying EVERYTHING about being a mom more at that point.

I know I could go back and read posts to figure out exact timing, but it always seemed like we dropped sessions earlier than most - probably due to Annie being a little advanced in her sleeping ways - she went to 2 naps a little earlier and definitely to 1 nap very early at 10 months old, so her nursing schedule shifted as well. Annie was never one to really give very clear hunger cues, but once I finally chilled out about making sure she was nursing for "long enough", maybe around 6-7 months or so, breastfeeding became a very pleasant experience for both of us.

Just a few funny pumping memories too - I haven't pumped in as interesting of places as some, but I did become quite comfortable with pumping in the car towards the end, and even once pumped (with my hands free bra on, of course) while driving - I hesitate to even post that because I'm not sure if it was legal, but oh well - what's done is done :) I did set everything up before leaving the parking ramp and had my shirt pulled over everything so it seemed a-ok to me!

From then on, nursing has been a breeze for the most part. It didn't feel like a huge bonding experience in the beginning for me, but it was in the later months. I loved having that way of connecting with her during her busy days of exploring her world. One of my favorite things about nursing was on a weekend mornings, when Ben would go get Annie and we'd nurse laying in bed and have some family cuddle time. For a long time, she'd even fall back asleep for a bit after nursing which was awesome. Of course I do love her later wake up time now, but that time spend all together cuddling in bed on the weekends was priceless. I loved her hands grabbing my shirt or face, her looking up at me, when she'd stop nursing to smile or chat with me for a bit.

I'm so thankful that I was able to have this experience of breastfeeding for a year. It really has changed me and feels like such a privilege. When I think of how far we've come since that first attempt in the hospital, it is truly astounding. I know breastfeeding doesn't come easy to many, and I'm forever grateful that we were able to make it this far. I know that I could continue on nursing before bed for longer, but I'm ready to have my body back and to not need to be at home at 7pm every night. We had a great run of nursing, Annie and I, and I'm so proud of both of us.